Iris booked a session with me in hopes of gaining a better understanding of who she is as well as to heal wounds that hold her back from self love. She’s struggled with loving herself and being truly happy with who she is, and carries a lot of pain with her from throughout her lifetime.
She also mentioned that there’s something significant about the name Sarah, but she doesn’t know what. She used to name her dolls Sarah when she was little, which started after she nearly died from pneumonia as a child.
I started her out with the cloud visualization as I often do for past life regressions.
I: A church.
J: Can you describe this church?
I: It’s old. And white. Like a small town church. A lot of people outside.
J: Can you tell what these people look like or how they're dressed?
I: No… it’s blurry.
J: Can you tell what you look like or how you're dressed?
I: I’m in a wedding dress.
J: What's the dress like?
I: It's long and flowy. Has a high collar.
J: How are you feeling in this moment?
I: Worried.
J: Can you see what's happening next?
I: I'm standing in the aisle.
J: And how are you feeling standing in the aisle?
I: Alone. The church is empty inside.
J: Why is it empty?
I: Everybody’s outside in front of the church.
J: Have you already gotten married?
I: I don't know. I'm just standing there lookin’ around.
J: What happens next?
I: I don’t know, I’m still standing there.
J: Would you like to move ahead to a moment where something significant happens?
I: Yes.
J: Allow the world around you to disappear and reappear. Taking shape as you arrive at a moment where something significant is happening in this life. When you arrive,
let me know.
I: I'm still standing in the church.
J: Is anyone else there?
I: No… (getting emotional)
J: Remember that you're perfectly safe. And what are you feeling right now?
I: Alone. (crying)
J: Why are you alone?
I: I don’t know…
J: What's your husband like?
I: I don't know. I don't know where he is.
J: You know him though, right?
I: I think so…
J: And do you like him?
I: I don’t know…
J: What do you think is significant about this moment? This feeling alone?
I: I don’t know what’s wrong with me…
J: Is something wrong with you?
I: Why he’s not there. Did he not show up?
J: Why do you think he wouldn't have shown up?
I: Because maybe something’s wrong with me and he doens’t want to marry me.
J: Do you think that's true? That there's something wrong with you?
I: No…
J: Do you deserve a man who doesn't want to marry you?
I: No.
J: Where would you like to go from here? Would you like to return to the cloud or move to another significant event in this life?
I: The cloud.
I guided her back to the cloud, away from that scene and into something new. While on the cloud, I reminded her that the abandonment wasn’t about her, it was about him. His choice to not show up wasn’t a reflection that she’s not worthy of love. I reinforced her worthiness and gave her suggestions to take that with her as she moves forward. I then asked her to let me know when she arrived at a new scene.
I: I’m in the kitchen.
J: Is it your kitchen?
I: Yes.
J: What are you doing in the kitchen?
I: I think cooking dinner.
J: Can you tell me what the kitchen looks like?
I: It's yellow. White cabinets. Table in the middle. Metal around the edge.
J: Can you tell me a little about yourself, what you look like?
I: I’m in a dress, just below my knees, and an apron. Long hair but it's put up.
J: How old are you?
I: 30?
J: Do you have a family?
I: Yes.
J: Can you tell me about them?
I: I think I have a girl, and two boys. They’re outside playing. My husband’s at work.
J: Do you want to tell me more about your kids?
I: They’re outside playing.
J: Do they seem familiar to you at all?
I: I can't see their faces.
J: What about how they feel?
I: Happy.
J: Why is that?
I: They just seem happy. They’re all playing together. They're all so excited. They’re laughing and running around.
J: And how are you feeling in this moment?
I: Just there, doing what I have to do for my family. Cook dinner before my husband gets home. There’s a dog.
J: Tell me about this dog.
I: He's happy. Wagging his tail. He wants a nibble. He’s always there when I'm cooking. He always gets a nibble.
J: Is there anything significant about this moment?
I: He’s my dog.
J: Your dog in this lifetime?
I: He loves me.
J: How does that love feel?
I: Wonderful. Warm. Makes me happy.
J: Is there any other area of your life where you feel the same love?
I: No.
J: Why is that?
I: Everything feels just robotic.
J: Is there ever a time where it didn't feel robotic?
I: I don’t think so.
J: Not in this lifetime, you as the woman with the dress in the kitchen?
I: No. You just do what you have to do. What’s expected of you.
J: How do you feel doing that?
I: Tired. Lonely.
J: Would you like to stay here or would you like to move to a different significant event in this lifetime?
I: No.
J: Would you like to stay within this lifetime or move to a different one?
I: Move to a different one.
This time I asked her to imagine a long glowing thread connecting her to something she can’t yet see, but it’s connected to the origins of her feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I asked her to follow that thread, imagining the world around her condensing as she moves along that thread.
J: As you're traveling, where do you notice it connecting to you at?
I: My hand.
J: Which hand?
I: My right hand.
J: Continue following the thread to the other end of it. We're gonna find the source, that sense of loneliness, that lack of love. When you've arrived, let me know what you see.
I: It’s a tavern.
J: Can you tell me more about it?
I: It’s big. A lot of people, a lot of men in there. Big bar inside, long, mirrors behind it.
J: Who are you?
I: I think I’m a… prostitute.
J: And how'd you become a prostitute?
I: I think my husband left. I had to survive.
J: Did you have children?
I: I feel like I do… I don’t know where they are…
J: Can you tell me what you're feeling in this moment?
I: Sad. I don’t want to be there.
J: Why are you there?
I: I don’t have a choice.
J: Why do you feel you don't have a choice? Or why do you feel like this is your only choice?
I: I have… no other way… women didn’t have jobs. Only husbands.
J: So what happens next?
I: I’m outside.
J: What's happening outside?
I: The street's busy. Riding their horses. My dress is dirty.
J: Is it daytime or nighttime?
I: It’s daytime. I feel lost. Like I don't know where I am. I’m confused… I don’t know which way to go.
J: Are you with anybody?
I: I’m alone in the middle of the street.
J: Are you still the prostitute?
I: Yes, I think. I still have her clothes on.
J: Go ahead and walk somewhere. Allow information to come to you through your senses. Where are you going?
I: To the general store.
J: And then what's there?
I: I want a peppermint stick.
J: What happens next?
I: Some kids are calling me names. Laughing at me.
J: Why?
I: I don't know…
J: What's going on in your mind as this is happening?
I: I’m ashamed.
J: What are you ashamed of?
I: My dress is dirty. I’m hungry.
J: How old are you?
I: Almost 30.
J: What else is going on in your mind?
I: I don’t know what I’m gonna eat. How I’m gonna eat. I’m hungry.
J: What happens next?
I: I feel like I have nowhere to go… I feel alone and lost. I just wanna belong somewhere.
J: Have you ever belonged somewhere?
I: I think so.
J: When was this?
I: When I was younger. Teenager.
J: Where did you belong?
I: My family… I had a big house. I had two sisters.
J: Were you close with your sisters?
I: Yes.
J: Where are they now?
I: I don't know… I see us in our room. Dressed up. Laughing. And happy. Mom and Dad are downstairs waiting for us.
J: What happens next?
I: We're leaving but I don’t know where we’re going.
J: How are you feeling about it?
I: Excited. I think we're going to my aunt's house.
J: What's at your aunt's house? Something going on?
I: I don’t know, it’s going to be a long trip. To North Carolina.
J: Let me know when you get there, or if anything significant happens along the way. You can fast forward if you need to. You're in control.
I: We’re there but.. Nothing’s really happening. I think we’re just there visiting.
J: How are you feeling?
I: Happy.
J: I'd like you to tap into that feeling of happiness. Describe that feeling to me if you can.
I: I keep smiling.
J: What else?
I:My aunt hugs me a lot. So she's happy I'm there.
J: How does that make you feel?
I: Good. Warm. Loved. I love my aunt. We’re really close.
J: Do you know what her name is?
I: Jenny. We write letters all the time. Her husband died. She lives alone.
J: Is she happy?
I: Yes. She wants me to live with her.
J: Do you want to?
I: Yes.
J: Do you get to?
I: Yes.
J: Would you like to stay here or fast forward to when you're living with her? Or to a significant event in this life?
I: Stay here.
J: What happens next?
I: She meets a new man.
J: What's he like?
I: Very handsome. Very good to her. He makes her happy. I’m in the way… He doesn't like me so much.
J: Why not?
I: I’m a burden.
J: Why?
I: Just because I’m there. He doesn’t like me being there.
J: Do you think that's fair of him to feel that way?
I: No.
J: How's that making you feel about yourself?
I: Angry that he feels that way. I’m not a burden… I don't ask for anything. Aunt Jenny wants me there. I just think he wants to control her.
J: But she doesn't see it that way?
I: I don't think so. Or she just doesn’t want to be alone.
J: So what happens next?
I: Aunt Jenny died.
J: And then what?
I: I went back home.
J: Where's that?
I: I don’t know where we live. Things are different.
J: Are you married yet?
I: No. I don’t know why things are different.
J: Would you like to know?
I: I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?
J: Do you think you did something wrong?
I: I don't... I don't think so. I… I don’t think so…
J: Can you describe how things are different? What's different about them?
I: They treat me like I did something wrong.
J: Who's they?
I: My sisters and my mom and dad. I didn't do anything.
J: Can you ask them?
I: (getting angry, voice rising) Aunt Jenny's boyfriend told him I tried to have sex with him. I would never do that. (crying) I would never do that. Why would he say that? Why would he say something like that?
J: Because he didn't like you? (pause) Why would he say something like that?
I: I think he wanted to get rid of me. He just wanted me to leave. He doesn't know what it did to me. He tore my family apart. That's why I hadn't heard from them. He told them this a long time ago. Trying to get rid of me. My sisters stopped writing.
J: They never tried to get the true story from you?
I: No. No.
J: Was that fair of them?
I: No. My parents are throwing me out of the house.
J: And then what?
I: I’m living on the streets. I meet a guy. He’s nice. He likes me a lot, he's very good to me.
J: What does he like about you?
I: He says I’m pretty. That I have kind eyes. He likes my laugh.
J: Is this the man you marry?
I: Yes.
J: What's life like with him?
I: It’s good. He works hard.
J: How are you feeling about your family now? Now that some time has passed, how are you feeling about your parents and your sisters?
I: I miss them. They don’t write. I don't see them in town. I hear rumors, though.
J: What are the rumors?
I: They think I'm trash. For what they think I did. Even though I didn’t do it.
J: Does your husband know about this?
I: Yes. I tell him everything.
J: And he's got your back, he's on your side?
I: Yes. He believes me. He loves me. He's sad for me that my family doesn't talk to me. He works hard and he loves me.
J: And you have kids together?
I: No, we don’t have kids. He gets sick…
J: And then what?
I: He dies. (begins crying)
J: And how are you feeling?
I: Very sad. I loved him. He was such a good man. He was so good to me. We didn't have much.
But we had each other. I miss him.
J: What else is coming up for you right now?
I: I’m at the bar. Talkin’ with Sarah.
J: Who's Sarah?
I: She runs the brothel upstairs.
J: What's she like?
I: She’s very pretty… she’s beautiful.
J: What's her personality like?
I: Very kind, but stern. She commands authority.
J: And why are you talking to Sarah?
I: I need a job. I don’t wanna lose my house. It’s very small, but it’s all I have. I can’t go back to my family. I just wanna clean. I can clean rooms. I can clean upstairs.
J: Does she give you that job?
I: No.
J: Why not?
I: She says the girls clean their own rooms. There’s only one job.
J: How do you feel about that?
I: I don't wanna do that… I don’t wanna do that.
J: At what point do you decide to do that? What's going on in that moment when you decide to do it?
I: My house burned down…
J: Why'd it burn down?
I: I don’t know. It was old. I don’t know. Maybe a candle. I don’t wanna do this job. That's the thing that ruined my life. Somebody accused me of doing something like that.
J: How do you wind up doing it?
I: Because I’m hungry and I have nowhere to live. I don’t have a choice. I just have to put my feelings aside and do what it takes to survive.
J: Is that what you do?
I: Yeah… It's horrible. (begins crying again)
J: I want you to remember you're perfectly safe. And if the feelings are too heavy or too much, you have the ability to rise above this scene and view it from above, detaching from the emotions and watching as an observer. Would you like to do that?
I: Sarah's telling me not to go.
J: Not to go where?
I: I don’t know, she just keeps saying, ‘Don’t go.’
J: And what's going on in this moment?
I: I’m just walking out of the bar… I’m standing in the street.
J: And then what?
I: I’m lost. I don’t wanna be here.
J: Is there ever a point where you're not there, where you get to move on into something else?
I: I think I… I live in a big house now.
J: Same lifetime?
I: I don’t know…
J: Tell me more about this house.
I: (in awe) It's big. Really big…
J: How'd you get here?
I: I see a man… I don’t know who he is…
J: Who are you?
I: I don’t know… I'm getting out of a stagecoach. I’m in a beautiful dress. It's so big…
J: How old are you?
I: In my thirties.
J: How'd you get here?
I: I don’t know. He’s holding out his hand.
J: And then what?
I: He’s just greeting me, walking me up to the house.
J: What's inside the house?
I: It is so… big…
J: What's significant about this house?
I: It’s so… beautiful…
J: Do you know whose house it is?
I: I feel like it's my new house.
J: How'd that become your new house?
I: I don't know, but I love it.
J: Would you like to find out how you got here?
I: Yeah.
J: Is this still the same life when you were the prostitute?
I: I don’t know…
J: What's the connection between this experience and the experience of the prostitute?
I: My husband… I don’t know where he is. I think he travels. He's not back yet. This is the new house that he bought for me.
J: Is this a different husband than the one you were married to when you were the prostitute?
I: Yes. His name is Doug. He's not gonna be home for a few months, but wants me to get settled in. Most of our stuff is there and unpacked already.
J: Would you like to move forward to a significant event that takes place maybe in this house or in this lifetime when you're in this house?
I: Yes.
I move her forward, and ask her to let me know what she’s experiencing when she arrives in a significant event.
I: A baby. My sister has a baby. She’s living with us. She just had a baby.
J: Is this a different lifetime than from the one where your sisters weren't talking to you anymore?
I: Yes. I’m happy. I'm content. Our parents died. My sister lived with me for a long time. I take care of her.
J: Does she have a husband?
I: No.
J: Who's the baby's father?
I: He died in the war.
J: And what else is happening?
I: We're gonna have a party. My husband's coming home. We’re gonna have a dinner party. I love dinner parties. I get to dress up extra special. Everybody will get to see the baby. I missed my husband. I'm so glad he's home. He’s very handsome. I enjoy just looking at him sometimes.
He thinks I’m silly. He doesn't understand how I can just be happy looking at him. But it makes me happy.
J: Where do you feel that happiness at inside your body?
I: In my stomach, in my cheeks, from smiling. My eyes, they light up.
J: Hold on to this feeling for a moment. If it were to have a color, what color would it be?
This is a type of somatic exercise, which I didn’t get to complete because she was moving forward so quickly.
I: Beautiful yellow. Deep yellow, bright. Shining. He has to go away again. I don’t like it when he leaves. I have my sister and the baby, but it’s still lonely… I miss not looking at him. Not talking to him.
J: When does he come back?
I: Not for a while. That's okay. I’ll be okay.
J: Would you like to move forward to another significant event in this lifetime?
I: Yes.
J: Go ahead and do that. Condense time. Move into that significant event. Scenes around you take new shape. Let me know what you see.
I: We’re riding horses, me and my husband. Just out on the prairie, just riding and talking. He’s so funny, (chuckles) he makes me laugh. There’s Indians. They’re not happy. I think it's their land… Yelling at us.
J: What happens next?
I: We ride off. We find a creek. We’re having lunch. (starts crying) No… no… They shot him, there’s an arrow, I can't get the arrow out, I don’t know what to do… no…
J: You're safe. Go ahead and rise above this scene if you have to and observe it.
I: No. Don't leave me… (deep breathing)
J: What do you do next?
I: I close his eyes.
J: And then what?
I: (crying)
J: How do you move forward from this?
I: I’m back home, with my sister.
J: And then what?
I: I'm okay. It's been a few years since he passed. I’m at my niece's school. I’m the teacher.
J: Can you tell me more about that?
I: I enjoy being a teacher. All the kids. I enjoy being around all the kids.
J: What do you enjoy most about that?
I: Their laughter. They’re laughing when they’re together. Running around and playing. They tease each other when they get the answers wrong. But they're all still so happy. Enjoy being with one another at recess. They like me as their teacher.
J: Are you happy?
I: Yes. It makes me happy to be with them. My sister and my niece still live with me. So I see her every day. At home, and at school. We’re really close. She's so sweet. And smart. She says she wants to be a teacher like me.
J: Do you grow old together here in this house?
I: We're together, but we're in a different house now. It's smaller. A little more down to earth. That other house was just so big. It was too big. We wanted to have children to fill the house. So this one suits me fine. I still miss my husband. But I’m okay. I’m happy with teaching.
J: That's good.
I: My sister's sick. It’s her mind.
J: Are you taking care of her?
I: Yes. It’s sad, and it's hard. Her daughter doesn't understand why she's like this.
J: Why is she like this?
I: The doctors don’t know. They say her mind isn’t working right anymore.
J: What happens next?
I: She dies. It's sad. But it’s for the best.
J: Now it's just you and your niece?
I: Yeah. (pause, chuckles) We move the furniture out of the living room, move it out of the way. We're dancing. Holding hands. Laughing. We’re stringing popcorn for the Christmas tree, but it’s not Christmas… It's hot. She keeps eating the popcorn. We’re supposed to sting it.
J: Does anything significant happen in the future in this lifetime or during this lifetime?
I: My niece gets married. Has a baby. They’re living with me. Baby Sarah. She calls me grandma now. It makes me happy. It makes my heart warm. Full of love. That little girl is so special. My niece is a teacher at the school. She keeps my name on the board because she doesn’t want anyone to forget me as a teacher. Because I know all the kids’ parents and grandparents, I taught them.
It was time to wrap up the session, so I asked Violet to return to the cloud and invite in any version of herself that she met today to join her on the cloud.
I: She's there.
J: Who is she? What version of you?
I: The prostitute.
J: And what would you like to say to her? How is she feeling right now? What do you think she needs to hear?
I: Life didn’t turn out the way you wanted. How you expected. But you’re strong. You had the courage to do what you did as hard as it was. Keeping the roof over your head, feeding yourself, it was a priority. You did what you had to do. Don’t be ashamed.
J: How does she feel hearing this?
I: Relieved. Somebody's telling her not to be ashamed because the kids laugh at her, call her names because of it.
J: Does she realize that it's herself that's telling her not to be ashamed?
I: No. Just someone kind. Someone not being mean to her.
J: And that's you, right?
I: Yeah…
J: Can you tell her that you love her?
I: (soft voice) I love you…
J: And can you give her a hug?
I: She’s crying… She just needs a hug. She just needs human touch that is sincere and loving. Not… not hard and ugly. Nobody wants that human touch.
J: Give her that human touch that she deserves. As you do, recognize that these are just versions of you. All of this is you. So you're giving yourself that touch too, and that love.
I: I feel sad.
J: What's making you sad?
I: (getting emotional) Because I feel like I’m the only one that does that. Why am I the only one that can give that?
J: Can you give that to yourself?
I: I try… I have doubts. I feel like if nobody else cares, there must be something wrong. And I'm just not seeing it. When I try to do that, I feel like I’m lying. Lying to myself.
J: Do you believe you are lying to yourself?
I: I don't think I am, but I just have that doubt because nobody else feels that way about me.
J: Do you need their permission or approval in order to feel as though you're worthy of love and care?
I: No, I don't need anybody’s permission, it’s just… what if I'm the one that's wrong?
J: Why would you be the one that's wrong?
I: Because everybody else might be right if they all feel the same way. I’m the only one that thinks differently.
J: So if they were right, what could you do?
I: (crying) I don't know. I’m not a bad person. I don't know why they feel that way. I don’t understand. And that’s why I feel like maybe I'm the one that's wrong. That I'm not a good person. I think I am, I feel like I am, I’m trying to be.
J: When did you first start to wonder if you're not a good person? When did you first start to question this?
I: When I was little.
J: What happened when you were little that caused you to wonder if you were not a good person?
I: When I found out I was adopted, that my mom and dad gave me away.
J: Did you ever find out why they gave you away?
I: Yeah. But that was a long time after.
J: Why did they give you away?
I: Because her parents made her.
J: Did she want to?
I: No.
J: How did you feel in the moment that you found out you were adopted?
I: (whispers) I wanted to die…
J: Why?
I: I don’t know…
J: What if you did know?
I: My mom and dad gave me away. They gave me to somebody who was abusive.
J: Did they know they were doing that?
I: No. But I didn't know that.
J: I'd like you to go back to the cloud, and just like you invited that version of yourself who's the prostitute to sit with you, I'd like you to invite that child to sit with you. When you found out that you were adopted, I'd like that version of you to come and sit with you on the cloud. And what does she need to hear right now? What can you tell her?
I: That it was for the best. That she had a better life than she could have ever had if her mother would have kept her. Her life would have been awful.
J: What else does she need to hear?
I: She was loved. Very loved by her parents.
J: Even though there was abuse?
I: Yes. Her mother just didn’t know any other way.
J: Can you help her to forgive her mother? And you too?
I: Yes.
J: And everyone's doing the best they can. Even though that may not be the best.
I: Yes. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. They love you very much.
J: How's the child feeling hearing that?
I: Sad. Sad that she's so upset with them.
J: It's okay to feel sad. She's allowed to.
I: I'm just sad and confused about everything.
J: Can you help her understand a little better? Tell her something else she may need to hear right now.
I: I don't know what else to tell her.
J: What is she feeling right now? Is she able to let go of that sadness? Is she able to understand? I: I don't think she believes me.
J: Why not? Remember that she is you.
I: She's stubborn. She just looks at me like she's skeptical of what I'm saying. I don't want her to feel that way. I want her to know what love is.
J: What is love?
I: Warm. Fuzzy feeling. It’s what somebody wants you to be in their life. Somebody to share things with, to share their stories and their knowledge. That's what I want from my mom.
J: And what does loving yourself look like or feel like?
I: I don’t know. I think, it would look like, if I look in the mirror, I would smile at myself. And when I take a picture, I’m happy.
It was time to end the session, so I invited Iris back to the cloud where I helped solidify the positive feelings and knowledge she gained, reminding her of the bright yellow light and inviting it to fill her up. I encouraged her to smile when she looks in the mirror, and that even if she sees the little girl who’s skeptical and doesn’t believe her, that she’ll just smile anyway, deep down knowing she’s worthy of love and she doesn’t need anybody else to tell her that.
This was a very emotionally charged session and a great example of how our past lives as well as our childhood can affect our present, and also how emotions and experiences from past lives can entangle with how we live our lives today. I hope Iris found the healing she needed from this session -- it was certainly an enlightening experience and I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to work with her.